Updated: Dec 10, 2020
1 out of 70,000. That's what I hear I represent in Alberta. 1 lucky person who was chosen to get surgery, a full thyroidectomy and pathology, out of all those patiently waiting while COVID puts many things on hold. Numbers and fear are increasing for some while doubt, anger, and exhaustion are increasing for others.
What I can tell you as a mom who had her 8-year-old speak thoughts of suicidal ideation this week, is that no matter what side you are on, the feeling in the air is causing mental anguish for everyone. No one is immune. I'm sure that the added pressure of his mom heading for surgery today didn't help but for him all he knows is that this is minor and it means I get to come home a better mom, who's not up for that?
I've waited 18 months for today. 18 months from a biopsy on a large lump on my thyroid that hurt and bruised so bad that the only way I could deal with the pain that day was to go to bed. Waiting until today to get it out. This lump that no-one knows what's growing inside of it. Every test is inconclusive and comes back with the comments "not-looking-good". Oh but "didn't you know thyroid cancer is the best one to get?".
Ummm… I'm pretty sure if that's the outcome of today it's still cancer, fair? But let's not jump that far ahead.
Worry never robs tomorrow of it's sorrow - it only saps today of it's strength.
And today I need to be strong.
I want to bring all of you on this journey with me mostly because you are already here in my heart. The amount of support I have already gotten from almost-strangers and already-friends has blown my mind and made me feel like a warrior before the first cut has even happened!! People I have never met. Women offering complete support because they are natural caregivers and just want to offer love.
I can't tell you the courage it gave me to deal with this week! It was a rough one and I was able to handle it like a Goddess for my family. I crumbled yesterday for a bit but today I'm standing strong again.
SURGERY IN TIMES OF COVID
I was told yesterday too that because of COVID I must do this alone. Walk the hallways alone. Have no hubby to hold my hand for the 3-4 hours pre-surgery of waiting while the nerves start to grow, thinking of the physical trauma my amazing body will grow through once again today. I guess that's why it's 7am, I'm sitting in chairs covered in the color of baby diarrhea and I'm reaching out to hold the hand of all you guys.
My hubby kept the kids home from school to hopefully snuggle on the couch and watch princess movies and play lego and star wars vs pacing the cold hallways here and growing impatient at the lack of updates and time that moves slower inside these buildings.
I had a coffee with my momma yesterday and we laughed and talked and just enjoyed each other's company. Until she cried and shared that even at 44 I'm still her baby and even now she feels helpless and is scared to know what I'll be going through today. So we refilled her room with sunflowers and sunshine so while I'm asleep she is surrounded by the thoughts of her daughters.
HELPING ME GET THROUGH TODAY
So how can you help from here? Surgery is supposed to start at 1005am. But hearing the chaos happen at the nurses station right now as they cheerily try and balance their world, timings, probably cancelled shifts, and wings with COVID threat… these heroes, who are here battling it out in our heatlhcare system (I LOVE nurses). It appears it may be delayed a little.
Could you pray? Or lift me up in energy? Send me some light and love? Send some calming energy to my family? I know you all have your own stuff, I do. And I ask the Universe that with every positive thought you send my way that it be returned back to you 10-fold. I believe in the power of positive energy and know that the Universe has my back.
I will keep you all posted, maybe even do a fb live later before surgery or after if I can speak. I thank you all and love you for your kindness and for your support. Have a blessed day and hold your loved ones close.